Am I? Or Am I Not?
Picture it: lockdown 2020. We were all quarantined inside our houses with very limited interaction with other humans. The world was frightening and there wasn’t a whole lot to do. So what did most of us end up doing? Downloading TikTok. That’s what I did at least. Little did I know that downloading an app would contribute to changing my entire world.
Let’s give you some background first. In 2020, I was married to a man and had been since 2013. I had a son who would have been 3 years old at the time. I worked full time from home in healthcare. I was living a house that my spouse and I owned. My parents lived 2 hours away but my mom, who has since passed, came to help us with our son while daycare closed.
I noticed over the subsequent year following the initial download of TikTok, that there were a lot of really attractive people posting on the app. A lot of people, who I found attractive, who weren’t men. My thoughts went something like this: oh, I’ve just never seen anyone who looked like that in real life before… wait, why are there so many people I find attractive who aren’t men? Am I attracted to people who aren’t men?
Early in 2022, I confided in a close friend who I knew identified as bi. It was the first time I said out loud that I was questioning whether I was straight or not. She then went on to try to convince me that I was straight since I wasn’t salivating over the thought of touching another woman. But if we’re being honest, did I feel that way about men before I had done anything physical with a man? Nope! But I decided to keep those thoughts to myself after that conversation, at least for a little while.
Summer of 2022, my spouse initiated a conversation with me that made me feel like it might be ok to open up to him. I told him I wasn’t sure I was straight. And his response was “well too bad it’s too late for you to find out now because we’re married.” Oh my, how my brain works because my immediate thought was “…or is it??” But again, I kept that thought to myself for another six months.
Let’s Do This!!
During those six months, I decided I was going to figure out a way to be able to discover more about myself. I dove deep into researching ethical non-monogamy. This included talking to someone who was openly polyamorous and learning what options I could possibly have. Would other people judge me? Probably. Did I care? Honestly, at that point I didn’t really care but the person I was the most worried about was my spouse. I feared he would think he did something wrong or that I didn’t love him anymore, which wasn’t true.
So in January of 2023, I got the courage to have the conversation. This initial conversation with my spouse ended up being a few hours long because when someone you’ve been with for 13 years asks if you’d be ok with opening up your marriage in order for them to help figure out their sexuality, that can be incredibly scary! It took my spouse a while to be able to wrap his head around it and it took more follow up conversation as well, but we decided to try it and see.
My first few dates with women were… confusing for me. I had a very hard time figuring out whether myself or the other person just felt friendly vibes or if there was anything more. By the end of February 2023, I was in my first relationship with a woman. On our second date, I felt something click and thought to myself “ohhh this makes sense, I’m checking out her butt, I must like her.” This relationship only lasted about a year but it taught me a lot. Women can be just as emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative as men…which is actually how my marriage also ended up failing late in 2023. But that’s a story for another article.
Coming Out as Lesbian
Coming out to my spouse, although I was worried about how it would impact my marriage, didn’t feel scary. I am so thankful that most people I know in real life are very inclusive and accepting. I came out publicly a year ago, during Pride month, in a Facebook post and then subsequent posts on various forms of social media. Honestly, people had a much harder time getting used to the poly part of things than the gay part of me.
My dad was definitely one of those people who had a hard time grasping the concept of polyamory, although he quickly joked “where was that idea when I was growing up?” We still have conversations where he is curious about how I figured it out, why it took so long, etc. I am very lucky to be able to have such honest and open conversations with my dad. He may not always understand, but he always makes sure I know he still loves me.
So many people I interacted with after I came out commented on how different I seemed. They said I was so much happier and seemed more “me.” Which I totally agree with! But it was crazy to me how much people could see that from the outside. Every time someone commented on that, it made my heart so happy knowing I was finally my genuine self.
How Did I Not Know?
I discovered during my first relationship with a woman that I was just meant for ladies. The way I communicate, my honesty, my ability to make someone feel safe and get to know them on a deeper level- these were all things women greatly appreciated but men often did not.
I also thought a lot more critically about how I “missed” things earlier in my life that would indicate I liked women. Things like being really excited to play spin-the-bottle at a party where mostly women who identified as bi were playing, being extremely nervous when I walked into a local crystal shop every time the female owner was present (it’s because she was GORGEOUS), getting added on Snapchat by a gay woman I worked with and being excited that she might be hitting on me, being weirded out by physical scenes in a movie or on TV between a man and a woman, and in contrast seeking out media where two women were intimate with each other.
Not only these instances, but I also remember my family making comments at different points hinting at the fact that I may not be straight. I distinctly remember going shopping for college with my mom. We were at Kohl’s and I wanted this little step stool that had storage in it. I wanted the blue one because it’s my favorite color. My mom told me she wanted me to get the pink one. I insisted that I liked the blue one better. Her response to that was “well I don’t think it would kill you to soften your image a bit and be a little more feminine.”
Unfortunately, my mom passed from dementia and cancer this past December so I was never able to tell her that I had finally figured myself out. But I like to think that she knew before everyone else, probably always knew, and would have been supportive in time.
How Did I Get Here?
I do think compulsory heterosexuality was part of why I went without knowing I was a lesbian for so long. Oh yeah, there was a period of time when I was still married that I thought I might be Pansexual. But after a lot of therapy, unpacking comp het, and reflecting…I’m most comfortable identifying as a late in life lesbian.
When I was a kid, I didn’t know anyone who was openly gay. There were two women I knew who adopted two children together and told everyone they were “cousins.” Granted, do I know for sure if these two very masc presenting women were gay? Not 100%. But in hindsight, I think they didn’t want to be out or didn’t feel safe or comfortable being out in the late 90s and kept it hidden. But this was my only real-world example until college.
Even in college, I knew there were girls who identified as bi and guys who identified as gay, but I had honestly never thought more into it at that point. I should have, because I often wonder what my life would have been like if I knew earlier.
Conversations with straight women also compound comp het. You are led to believe by other married women that husbands men are supposed to be the problem in relationships. I was traveling for work lately and the amount of women talking about how their relationships with their husbands were frustrating because he’s never been home alone with the kids before, or he didn’t get the kids ready for daycare, or he forgot XYZ because he’s not used to being responsible. The conversation surrounding straight relationships is that if you’re a woman, you’ll be let down and disappointed with your spouse…often. The patriarchy literally sets the bar so low for men.
And that was my experience with men! I thought “the ick” was normal. There was even a period of time that I questioned if I was asexual because I was so turned off by sex. Turns out I was just having it with the wrong partner!
How Growing Up Fat Mattered
We all know the stereotypes of fat women being a secret or not being attractive at all. I found myself seeking male validation from around 16 years old. That’s what I thought attraction to men was. But I wasn’t attracted to them. It was like I was trying to prove a point to myself that men were attracted to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what I actually wanted or was attracted to. It was all about them. Society had a big hand in that.
What I Know Now
I am a late in life lesbian. I will never go back to dating a man. After over a year in therapy, I’m about a month away from being legally divorced, and I’m in the healthiest relationship with a woman. There’s something to be said for when two late in life lesbians who have never been loved the way they needed to be get together. Our relationship is beautiful. We show up for each other, usually without the other even asking. We have open and honest conversations, even when it can be scary based on our past experiences. But we are proving to each other every day that we are deserving of this kind of healing love.
My advice for anyone who has questioned their sexuality would be to give yourself the time and grace to figure it out. It may take a while, it won’t happen overnight. And it’s ok to get it wrong. Sexuality is also fluid, so something you think today could change a year down the road. That’s ok. But you are valid- whether you’re still in the closet because of safety reasons, whether you’re just starting your journey, or whether you‘re still trying to figure it out. You’ll get there and it’ll be life-changing.
